Who Cares

Last night I was thinking about things that shaped me and my manhood . I asked myself if I had maybe misunderstood these lessons . If their was any single moment that effected me to a point that I wanted to change my ways. I have loss friends to violence and drugs but none of those tragedies really changed the way I thought or made life choices. I have not loss one nights sleep over anything that has happened in my life. Thus far the changes I have made in my life has been only for show, changes to prove that I can change or changes that imitated the natural progression of a maturing man. Is this because my heart is cold or is it that I am emotionally inapt and dont really know how to express myself ? I have been willing to ride and die for things that were irrelevant in the big scheme of things and let issues that effect everyone around me just roll of my shoulders. I would be willing beat a man to death for calling me a bitch but not beat a politician to death for passing a law that effects my families well being. Am I just one misguided soul with know understanding of self or am I part of a generation that never learned to care ?

Days of old

My favorite line of all time is from the Otis Redding song " Sitting at the dock of bay".
The one where he says " I cant be what ten people want me to be so I guess I'm going to remain the same". I have made so many mental changes trying to be what society expects, my women expects, what my employer expect etc... that I find myself yearning for simpler days when the only thing I had to do was survive. True I'm make it more simplistic than what it was, but sometimes I really feel like I would rather dodge a bullet from opposition than deal with a man half my size half my age telling me what to do. Rules in the hood where simple and easy to follow.
Real life is not so cut and dry and is scary to many of us. There are know defined boundaries no chain of command. Its like the hood is a dream world perfect in many ways and flawed in others,it gave mea false feeling of security . I felt as if I was in control, that my grind controled my fate, but in reality I control nothing. I didnt learn this until I stepped out the hood and into the real world. I felt like I had been in the matrix all my life and the world around me has moved on and now I'm only relevant in a small 10 block radius I call the hood. I feel like one of millions of clones left to rot in a junkyard called home. It took me moving out of the hood and than looking back at it to see this . Through all of these ephinaies and enlightenments I still yearn for the days of old when my only worry was would I live too see tomorrow.

Last of a dying breed

When did it become OK to be a snitch and is there ever a time when it is OK to be one. Lately I have seen what I thought to be the realest of people tell on others to save themselves. Needless to say I lost respect for a lot of people. In one instance I was speaking to a guy who told on a friend he was in the car with. He had a 380 pistol on him and the other guy had about 7 grams of dope. The police tricked him buy telling him they were going to charge him for possession both items. In reality he would have probably beat the case in court. Instead he told on the other guy they both got about 2 years in prison and his telling only assured that the other guy would be going to jail also. His response was that he had a young son who needed his father and that he made the right choice for him and his family. I asked him was he thinking about his family when he jumped in the car with the pistol. So many people are willing to take penitentiary chances but when its time to pay the piper they would make deals with the Devil.

Buy any means necessary

In the last 3 weeks my electric has been cut off, banking account over drawn
and my son is running around in his older brother shoes. Why? because now I am trying
to do things the right way. Before this Renaissance of mine, my philosophy was "by any means necessary". I wonder if maybe I am changing the wrong things in my life. Should my child's
well being out weigh everything else in my life. Should be willing to kill, steal, and sell drugs
to provide for my seeds. I work sometimes 50 hours a week making a little over min. wage
is that enough to say I tried or do I also have to shine shoes and sell oranges to make ends meet.
When you become a father does pride go out the door.

What do I tell the kids

I recently got a call from my middle sons school. They told me he was acting up.

Specifically that he would talk down to them as if they were his age and didn't seem to show them the appropriate amount of respect. After speaking to him about the teachers accusation he did not deny any of it. He said for the most part what the teacher had told me was true.

The kicker was when he told me, that I taught him to be that way. That I taught him to take nothing from anybody. I gave that a lot of thought thinking about all the conversation we had when he was young. Where we were from this Ideology was necessary to survive. It was what I was taught and lived my life by and even at this point of my life its still a concept that shapes my morality. So here is my dilemma , do admit I was wrong or do let him continue to pound his chest and show his dominance after all he is my son and its in his blood.